The best of 2012.

Well 2012, you've been a fruitful year for me. Lets rekindle the love you gave, shall we?

JANUARY.
I'd like to call this month the "Things happen for a reason" month. Surprise surprise simula palang! but still I went on my positive vibes thinking there will be something good in all of this. Plus I am grateful for this is my birthday month and I was pretty much busy with school duties. Keme lang sa heartache, mas masaya sa mga friends! Ending ng month na to ay puro party!

"Life is as grand as you make it."

FEBRUARY.
The only love I gave/recieved from this month was the LOVE OF STUDIES. Puros major exams and duties ang month na to. But I was sure Im not never gonna flunk another exam. EVER AGAIN! So ayun. todo kayod sa pag study and all. Konting distraction on the side pero keri lang! Lol.

"Dream without fear, Love without limits." ----ULUL.

MARCH.
Passed all the subjects I needed to graduate from Nursing School! Tears of joy. Thats all I had the day they released the list of students who well. needed more exams to go through.

"If at first you dont succeed, try and try again." (Ramdam kong kinuha to sa kanta ni Aliyah!)

APRIL.
 A busy month filled with blessings. Grand Duty. Grad Ball. Graduation. Birthdays! Bondings! Parties! Vacations!

"Don't dwell on the negative, optimism is key."

MAY.
Study. Study. Study. Drink. Study.Study. Emo. Study. Drink. Study. Eat.Study.
ALL FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE AND THE BOARD EXAM <3

"Love the life you live."

JUNE.
"seriously" studying for the upcoming Nursing Licensure Exam! Went to different churches. SRA days. Bittersweet memories. Found comfort with J :)

"Make more opportunities than you find."

JULY.
Since the board exams were over. Nonstop fun and adventure were made this month. Trying to get our minds off the results and all.

"Everything will be alright."

AUGUST.
My first time to go out of the country and made real special cause its with my college buddies. PASSING THE BOARD EXAM!!!! All the hard work finally paid off!!! 

"Dont count the days, make the days count."

SEPTEMBER.
This month went by so fast I had no idea it already ended. Full of thanksgiving parties. I started reviewing again but this time for my NCLEX exam.

"Act as if what you do makes a difference."

OCTOBER.
Last month for NCLEX review, will resume on Jan. Pap's birthday month. Reunion with High school friends.

"It doesnt matter how slowly you go, as long as you dont stop."

NOVEMBER.
Good news from up above. He gave me a chance to be closer to my family. Felt blessed.

"The best dreams happen when you're awake."

DECEMBER.
 I have this theory on myself that everytime this season starts, something bad unfortunate happens to me. I mean I think I'm jinx or something. Dont get me wrong, I love this month but it doesnt seem to love me back :( This month I lost something in me which was really hard for me to bear and I hope eventually would come back. Keeping the faith.

"Everyday is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again."

My 2012 may have been a shitty ending , but there's still great things that happened there and should be grateful for. I guess, I just need to remind myself that everyday. So here's to a better, and stronger 2013! May blessings be showered and shared for the greater good :) 





S.







  

30 percent recovering.

Today, I'm thankful that I didn't shed one tear. I guess my lacrimal ducts got busted from all the crying I did yesterday. I am less sad now; but that's because I made everyone in the house not talk about it and if there's one thing I know when you live with boys, is that YOU CANT NOT BE STRONG. I still strongly isolate myself from the world. I don't want my friends be infected with my sadness. I can't not be happy when I'm with them, I know they're not used to that and they;ll just worry. Plus, in the end we'll just talk about it more and I don't want that. I'm trying to keep myself happy busy through little things. Well, I said I try. 70% more.

iCry.

Right about 10 hours ago I may be the saddest person on this planet and this may be the saddest blog I'd have to write this month. So bear with me on this, for I am unable to talk because I'll just end up crying. And that shit aint pretty.

You know the feeling when you just start to cry and cry and cry and be sad almost all day and you never seem to wanna stop? Its like every time your mind is idle it lets out a sob. It doesn't care if your in a private or public place it just had to get out. Then you try your best to just stop it and hold it in. It'll feel like swallowing a bolus of emotions and the tension on your throat will just be tighter and tighter.

According to the Mayan calendar, today, December 21st 2012, would be the end of the world. Well, much to their dismay this world certainly did not end but unfortunately, my world definitely did. This may be the most bone crushing moments I'd have to live with. I tried to be okay with it and all but it just really got me. I feel so lost right now. Like a blank canvass was given to me and stares me right in the soul to what would I have to do with my life. Starting all over again when you don't have anything to start over with.

Grief. The sorrow I feel for my dreams from running. Mourning for my slowly fading life plans. What now. What now. I gave up 10% of chunk in my life for this. Still holding on to whats left of my faith. Faith, I don't wanna lose you too. Basically, right now I just wanna be sad, cry and be alone. I just don't know for how long though.







S.

Photography pick! Jason Pierce

If you must know, I have a thing with city lights, skyscrapers, skylines and landscape photographs. Bet ko talaga yang mga ganyang bagay! Nakaka kalma kasi! Tuwang tuwa ako pag nakaka kita ako ng mga ganito sa Tumblr. Reblog agad yan! Minsan cover photo pa! Haha. Plus ako talaga yung super appreciative sa lahat ng bagay! Nature lover pati. Oh diba Maria Makiling lang ang peg! Choz!

Anyways! Eto may photograher ako na sight sa gilid gilid na todo rooftop photography din ang peg! May fear daw siya sa heights pero somehow mas napalapit daw siya sa mga rooftop photography. New Yorker ata to si kuya kasi puro New York ang surrounding! Malamang!

Jason Pierce Photography na sight ko sa Flickr! Flickr account niya! pero eto  ang website niya! AVAIL NIYO SIYA!!!

Eto mga popular photos niya!

The Chrysler Building, NY: Standing at 1,047 feet, it was the world's tallest building for 11 months before it was surpassed by the Empire State Building in 1931 (Wikipedia)

Napakanta talaga ako ng Empire state of mind ala Alicia Keys dito! 

New York Globe: Empire State Building observation deck - looking south

Bet ko to! Parang Astronaut lang ang dating ng pag picture niya dito! Choz!

NYC's skyscrapers light up the night: Night life ang peg neto! The City that never sleeps ba naman ang NY diba! 

The Grand Beekman, NYC: Gandara Park!! Labas na labas ang gold! Favorite ko pa naman ang gold! 

The City That Never Sleeps: ito na ang perfect title sa picture na itey! Asan kaya siyang building neto nagpipicture no? Baka mahulog siya! Choz!

Hurricane Sandy, Where were you?: Sa isang abandoned garage daw ito! Grabe lang si Kuya bumabaha na! Todo picture padin! Haha.

NYC Skyline with super smooth rainbow reflections: Baklang bakla! Just like me! Love it! Haha

NEW YORK CITY LIGHTNING: this is from a short but very intense storm that passed over NYC in July of 2012.  Na obsess daw si Kuya Jason sa mga lightning lightning shot simula nung bata siya! Kaya ayan! Naging Ninang niya si Storm! CHARR!!!

NYC CHINATOWN: Ghetto side ito! Gandara padin! Go for gold! 

Oh eto last na!!

LOWER PINKHATTAN & PINKLYN: Lower Manhattan and Brooklyn daw!!! Ang romantic lang diba! Naalala ko tuloy yung scene sa movie na Friends With Benefits! Yung secret place nila! Kinilig lang talaga ako kay Timberlake! Char! 

Oh ayan last na yun! Shinare ko lang to dahil isa to sa mga interests ko talaga!  At sorry kung ang bakla ng post na to! Di ko feel mag english ngayon mga teh eh! Bakla ang persona ko ngayon! So ayan. Go lang avail niyo yan!








S.

Grasping December.

Well lookie here. Its December again. I know most of you guys are very much excited for this month because... Tis' the season to be jolly, Falalalala lalalala.

Meanwhile inside my ardent cave its gonna be just a normal month. I rarely get excited about Holidays., particularly Christmas. Don't think I'm a Grinch here. I am not. I love the December weather. I love the fact that people are nice on Christmas and I love Christmas parties and gifts!

So why am I not excited you might ask... I guess maybe because the fact that as long as I can remember I have been spending my actual Christmas days alone. Yeah sure we would go to church and have Noche Buena together which would take us 2-3 hours and then off they go. After dinner they would usually go their own way. That leaves me spending the rest of the night watching sappy Christmas movies because I don't really have friends nearby to party crash.

It gets worse. 9 years ago my Mom was forced to go away. So that means my sibs and I are left with Dad. And uuuuhhhhhh... Lets just say he's not really the best dad on holidays. He gets drunk earlier than Jesus was born! So if you can imagine, not fun. Not fun at all. It doesn't end there though. Recently, my sibs left. They are with Mom now. So yes, you guessed it! That leaves me and pops! Really not fun. NOT FUN AT ALL.

So you see, I don't really have the ideal family. But its okay. I don't feel anger and I don't feel shame. I think its just the way it is. Some people are blessed with family and some are not. You know my happiest Christmas was? It was back when I thought Santa was real. Its a cliche. I know. But back then, everyone was actually happy. We were many-er. The house was full of noise. It was good  noise actually. The noise of laughing and singing and love. I'll always hold on to that memory. And I know one day my Christmas mojo will be back! ;)






S.

A must share.

Thank you to the blog world that I met the blogger of my dreams! Well, not really met but actually had the opportunity to come across her blog! I love her wit and energy! Plus she had me at her blog name itself!

Check her out! http://www.manrepeller.com/

And her latest post! Very quirky! http://www.manrepeller.com/2012/11/on-being-earnest.html

Mission To The Edge of Space | Success!

Mission To The Edge of Space | Success!

Human Diary.

At some point in our life we get to that moment where we have something trapped inside us and seek for an outlet. It can be in any form. Writing, singing, eating, drinking, shopping and blah and blah. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to. Someone who will listen. I call them Human Diaries. I think we all have them.  They can be your family or your friends or your distant friends. It can be you.

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing. -Blaise Pascal

Now for choosing for the right human diary. The heart has the right to pick. It has its own reasons. You don't just pour out everything to someone you just met you know. You'll know when you have the right person when you have that urge to poop. Joke, urge to let that weight be shared. Characteristics we love about them: Comfort, that we can be ourselves with them and hide nothing. They are honest, and you'll love what they're about to say, right or wrong you appreciate their opinions (kahit na kulang nalang batukan ka nila). They will actually be there for you, near far wherever you are. Haha. They check up on you from time to time, plus their constant reminder of not hurting yourself. They accept you for whatever you are, because you were born this way, baby. :D

I love being a diary. Its kind of my way of showing how I care. I love capturing people's awkwardness and their stillness. It makes it more real. I'm grateful enough to have diaries of my own, makes me feel like I'm not so alone anymore.

S.

Life Lessons: Expectations

If there's anything I know how one thing goes, its expectations. It is what we consider to what most likely will happen. But what if things does not turn out the way we want it to be? Frustration kicks in. Disappointment and hurt. Consider the weight of your expectations. The higher the expectation the higher chance you most likely be disappointed. Why? Because we built this concept in our head that things and people should be done and behave certain ways. Its like would our fantasy meet with our reality? Well sometimes yes and sometimes no. Its like people, you expect someone to be this superhero role model in your head but ends up doing the most Ahole-ish thing you've seen. Image crushed. You end up hating them for what they did and sometimes affects the whole perception of his superhero role model. Leaves our hearts crushed.

Its like the weatherman telling you tomorrow will have clear skies and sunshine so you decide to go to the beach first thing in the morning, you wake up excited and ready to go out and then the clouds starts to darken and rain starts falling. That has never happened to me before but that would really suck. Dalai Lama said "I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path". So yes, the simplest solution is taking all your expectations and throwing it out the window. The less you expect, the less you get hurt. Do everything in your power to do good and don't expect people to appreciate you in return. Accept the reality that it is what it is. Plus, if you are happy with what you are doing you don't really need people to see and say something about that. Its like the random act of kindness we see around. So stop expecting and start appreciating.

S.

Anti anxiety.

I have this thing where I always and I mean always think a lot or just maybe over think things. Its not that I'm not happy. I am. Its just like, I cant not think. You know? I hate that. I hate that I sound high. I hate that I cant get it out my system. I hate that I have to do something "productive" just to stop my anxiety. I hate the fact that I take anti anxiety drugs just to have a good sleep. Sometimes I think it may never really go away. I hate that.

I only have my music. That calms me and most of the time helps. I have this, writing. That takes off twenty five percent of the load.  So that probably helps too. I don't know  if I'm the only one who thinks this. This sucks. Me and messy brain. Sorry, I just needed to rant it here. My brain can type! :)) Oh well, the drug is starting to kick in. I must go.


S.

Corruption is now normal.

Earlier today I became a victim of government's corruption. It was the highlight of my day. I was so amazed how those officials would randomly ask you for money in exchange for what you need. Its illegal but they act like its normal and "part of the system".

I was applying to get an NBI clerance and normally, getting an NBI clearance takes you hours or even days if your name "hits" something in their system. It was almost 4:30pm when I arrived in a local mall (because nbi clearances takes place in the city hall but is very very crowded so they opened in a few local malls) I had no idea that they only accept 500 people per day. I was with my Dad and he took a chance to introduce himself and ask the official in charge if we could get clearances now since there are no people applying and they weren't doing anything in their chairs or maybe reserve a spot for tomorrow so that  we wont have to wait; then the official was "Aahh okay lang sige, Boss! Padagdagan nalang po ng bayad." And my dad agreed thinking "Ahh sige 100 bucks wont hurt." and I was okay with it because I didn't hear their money talk so I thought they were just being nice! While I was filling up forms, my dad told me to give them a hundred bucks after the filling. I thought it was his idea to give them money since they were nice enough to entertain us. My dad went out for a while before I can even finish the whole process. Ayy! When I was filling out their forms pala the guy in charge was WATCHING PORN!! He had earphones on but you can still hear the moaning and everything! I wanted to laugh but that really freaked me out! Anyways! As I was paying for the usual fee the man who was in charge came up to me and ask if my dad left money for them and I was wow-ed by their casualness to ask me and I went along with it since they were a big help to us, as I was reaching for 100 bucks in my purse he asked for an exact amount of money! 400 pesos in my face! Its for their merienda daw. WOW as in WOW. Merienda mo 400 pesos? :))) I was caught off guard and in the end gave in to what they wanted. When I was done and met my dad outside I told him about the incident abd he was like "Akala ko okay na sila sa 100! 400?!?! Grabe ang corrupt!" :)))))))

I wasn't really suppose to react like this its just thaaaaaat was MY MONEY! :)) I didn't think about it nalang. I thought about it as a payment for not waking up early and not waiting in line. Its so sad to know that your own country would corrupt you right in front of your face. I still have hopes for you, Philippines :(



S.

"Remember, remember the 5th of November"

Just because its the 5th of November and I like etymologies! Familiar with this quote? Yes, it is from  the graphic novel of Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta"that inspired James McTeigue's 2005 film starring Hugo Weaving and Natalie Portman which where they made the quote famous. 

The quote serves as remembrance of Guy Fawkes Day. According to the Washington Post (just so you won't get all cyber crime on me), Fawkes was the 17th century revolutionary who attempted to blow up England's Parliament building on November 5, 1605 in what is now commonly referred to as the Gunpowder Plot. Fawkes, after getting caught, tortured and executed, became immortalized through parables, rhymes and other stories. 

Remember, remember the 5th of November

The gunpowder treason and plot

I know of no reason

Why the gunpowder treason

Should ever be fought

Favorite scene! When Natalie Portman shaves her head! She's still gorgeous.

S.

Partial confession.

I never really understood feelings. I never understood how it supposed to be expressed, does it have a limit? Do you just let yourself go for it? Should you control it? Should you even feel it? Should you be embarrassed? Proud? Do you tell or just keep it in you? I haven't got the slightest clue really. Plus I think I'm not the only one in this planet who feels this way :))

So why am I blogging this? I kind of had this impromptu confession just recently. I didn't really confess using my clear words but I kind of assumed he already knew. Ugh. I'm really the most awkward person when it comes to these situation no confidence at all. Okay so this what went down. We were at a party and my "real" friends were teasing me because they knew I liked this guy from our class way waaaaaay back. So to blame the alcohol, my "real friends" started to tell stories about my stupid school girl crush moments (ex. wrongs sent sms, the taxi and many more) to this guy and I was defending myself that it happened ages ago and na wala nalang yun ngayon, then the guy turned to me and held my hand and was like "Ano yun? Anong meron?" I was gonna answer him agad sana but I was really distracted of why he had to hold my hand! Really cocky. So then I was thinking of the best way to tell him without sounding like a drunk Lizzie Mcguirre and all I can think of was "ALAM MO NAMAN NA ATA YUN DIBA?" Blah. So much for bravery no? So then he responded by saying "Ahh yun ba yung sinabi sakin ng pamangkin ko?" Quick history. His niece is best friends with my sister which I tell my sister everything and I remember my sister telling me she told his niece about it and yes you guessed it the niece sold me to the guy. Moral lesson: Don't trust you sister! So back to the story :)) I assumed that he already knew since his niece told him na pala. So yeah, I said "Oo yun nga yun." I never really knew what the niece exactly said though. But what the hell. Its all in the past.

After the whole scene I was actually okay with him knowing. I'm still awkward as hell but it was still okay. We were okay and were even able to joke about it. I felt  my walls were no longer walls anymore. Felt free.



S.

When its way past your bedtime.

Tonight I decided to not sleep early. Since review classes are over and I'm pretty much considered a bum since I'm unemployed and too lazy to go out nowadays and has nothing else better to do but be the errand girl of my father. My life is just exciting right now no? :))

I'm bringing insomnia back. Haha. I forgot how I'm not so lonely in these hours when I'm online. You see you have the 24/7 gamers, the god-knows-what-they-watch-online at midnight, the friends and family from the opposite time zones, the awesome blogs (which you get to see their post first hand before the morning people does), the bloggers, the film makers, the indie artists and of course your online friends who are just plain love sickos (posts anything and everything about love) and others. So basically there are interesting people online at these hours. I don't really know where I fit in those categories though.

I had a talk with I think one of the most interesting friends I have on Facebook. He was my classmate back in junior year high school. He writes, he films, he takes awesome photos with any camera (SLR or not). He shared stories like we were on a radio show. That was a laugh. I felt like Kris Aquino in a never ending in depth questions. It was a good talk. I'm so excited for his career! I know he'll do good.

I'm looking forward for my next chat with more interesting people at midnight. And I don't mean porn :)))



S.

Brave-er.

I actually started blogging 2 years ago. I have this really really really private blog account back then which is filled with my bipolar-ish  poignant emotions I had back then. Main reason? Love. You act crazy, you think differently and really hits you rock bottom. Yes, this girl is not all humor at all. I remember reading a phrase which goes like "The happiest people outside are the saddest people inside." I don't know who said that though but a part of me felt a sense of agreement. I mean its not that I'm really emotional and all, its just that my feelings are really genuine. Or is it just the same thing? Hahahaha. Even I  don't know. So you might ask what's all the fuzz about; well nothing really, I just wanted a public account that I can share with people, just this time I'm braver. So yeah, feel free to read or comment. Oh and wait I have to warn you! I bite! ;)

S.